Why Confidence is Bad

Good Point:  Despite the fact that I have unsuccessfully managed two different abscesses on Husband's legs, I was still supremely confident that I could handle a third.  Like, I'm sooooo smart medically, I totally don't need any help.

Bad Point:  I actually can't handle a leg abscess to save my life.  Or Husband's for that matter.

Three days ago another one of those super "spots" popped up on Husband's right leg.

Husband finally convinced me to take him to the doctor this morning.

The Surgeon took one look at it and said, "Oh, we're going to have to put you all the way out to take care of this one."

Fan-freakin'-tastic.

Then he said, "But, since your wife has gotten pretty good at wound care, we'll do it in outpatient surgery and send you home."

Um, ass-cuse me?

Pretty good at wound care, my ass, doctor.

I'm a freakin' wound care genius up in here.

You'd do well to remember that.

First we were exposed to his outstanding collections lady, who in ashow of extreme awesomeness, treated us like criminals because we still have a balance with them from Husband's last surgery.

She claimed we hadn't made any payments or set up a payment schedule.

I testily reminded her that we had done both with their office manager on August 31st and that she'd better check again right now, buster.

Quickly following that, I had the distinct pleasure of meeting with the financial advisor for the outpatient surgery facility.

The first words out of her mouth were, "Well, I can see you don't make enough money for me to be of any help to you.  You owe me $2800.  We need at least 10% of that right now before we will perform this surgery."

Wait.

Did you just say we don't make enough money??

So let me get this straight.

We make too much money for Medicaid, but not enough to qualify for your hospital charity program?!

I don't get it.

Oh, and by the way, YES YOU WILL PERFORM THIS SURGERY WITH OR WITHOUT MONEY BECAUSE WE LIVE IN BLOODY AMERICA AND YOU CANNOT REFUSE MY HUSBAND EMERGENCY MEDICAL ATTENTION SO SHOVE IT.

It was all I could do to not burst into tears.

Husband was in pre-op before I even left her office.

The good news is that they gave Husband versed.

Versed makes Husband funny, thank the Lord, because I needed a little comic relief.

On the way out of the pre-op room headed to surgery, his departing words to me were, "Baby, just don't forget to watch Jeopardy, ok?"

Then he turned to the nurse and said, "We watch Jeopardy everyday.  My wife is really, really good at it.

She is sooooooooo smart.

SA-MART.

SMAAAAART.

SAAAA-MART."

He continued with different variations of "smart" all the way down the hall until I couldn't hear him anymore.

The surgery was relatively short.

The doctor found that the epidermis was necrotizing, just like before.

Luckily, the tissue death didn't go any deeper.

Instead, he just made a three inch wide by six inch deep incision, cleaned it out, and packed it.

So, just when I thought we were done with wound care, we've got a new, super fun project ahead of us.

The good news is that Husband is already home and snoring soundly on the couch.

The even better news is that I totally found rolos at the "Healthy Living" kiosk.

Rolos are delicious.

And apparently good for me.