Putting It All Out There

My angst toward Beaumont is no big secret.

It's not that I hate it.

It's just that I hate it.

Those two statements together make total sense in my head.

I've really struggled living here to say the least.

Here are the reasons:

1.  I'm scared out of my mind to go anywhere when the sun goes down (or pretty much any time since I am the weirdo magnet of all weirdo magnets).  I feel like I have to be constantly vigilant and I often find myself making sure my keys are sticking out between my fingers in case I need to impale a would-be attacker in a dark parking lot before making a quick get away.

2.  The Southeast Texas summers.  It's so humid for approximately 8 months out of the year that the only time I spend outdoors is running from one air conditioned place to the next.  It also doesn't help that I sweat like a whore in church pretty much all the time.

3.  We have people living two feet on either side of us.  The only outdoor space we have to ourselves is a 6' x 6' patio.  And I can't be out there 80% of the time because our neighbors on either side and on either side of them are smokers who apparently don't want to smoke in their own homes.  I feel like a caged animal most of the time.

4.  All of my hobbies from before I moved to Texas have become null and void.  There are no mountains to hike, no snow to ski, no rocks to climb (ok, so fine, I never was a great rock climber, I just really liked it), no sidewalks/roads to rollerblade, no quiet places to read, and no canyons to drive.  Instead, I sit.  And gain weight.  Because the only thing I do now is eat.

5.  I live so far away from my family that I'm just the weird aunt when I actually do get to visit.  My nieces and nephews barely know who I am.  I miss everything - birthdays, baptisms, brandings, reunions.  I have to avoid calling home when I know my brothers and sisters have gathered because after I hang up, I cry every time.

6.  I've had an extremely hard time making friends here.  I think it's mostly because most of the people here grew up here, married people from here, and have extended family here. There's really no room in people's lives for the lonely girl.

So, anyway...

I had it in my mind that if I could just make it until Husband graduated, he'd get a new job and we could move.

My excitement at this prospect quadrupled when there was a job on the table in Las Vegas - still six hours from home, but close enough to make the drive.

I tried not to get my hopes up, but it didn't work.

In the end, the job just didn't pay enough to even consider moving our little family.

Instead, Husband decided on a job that will keep us in Beaumont for who-knows-how-long.

Don't get me wrong, I had a feeling that this is what was going to happen weeks before he took the offer. 

And I also have the feeling that this is what is right for us right now.

I know Husband will be great in this position.

But it still doesn't stop me from feeling sad.

Maybe even mournful.

Like I've lost something I've been sooooo looking forward to...for four and a half years.

My one and only ray of hope.

The saving grace is that the decision was made while the weather is/was still nice.

Otherwise, there may have been a full-out revolt.

My problem now is learning how to put on my big girl panties and deal with the decision.

Mostly because I really, really don't want to.