Massage Tips

Now that I'm like, totally a practicing massage therapist, I have some tips that will help you get the very best massage you can:

1.  If you'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks than have someone touch you, a massage probably isn't the best use of your money.  You would think this is common sense, but apparently it's not.

2.  You're guaranteed a crappy massage if you don't do the following:
     
a.  Tell the therapist what kind of pressure you like.
 
b.  Tell the therapist if they're doing something you don't like (I don't want anyone to touch the front of  my thighs.  Period).

c.  Disclose your important medical information on the patient information sheet.  Like, um, how am I supposed to know about your rheumatoid arthritis unless you either exhibit signs of it or tell me?  Or, like how about mentioning the contagious skin condition on your face.  That would be super helpful. 

3.  Please, for the love of all that's holy, turn off your bleedin' cell phone.  I'm sorry, but there's not one single person in this world who's so important that they can't turn off their cell phone for one hour.  Even Barack turns his off.  No, really, I totally know that he does.

4.  Don't feel the pressure to fill the silence with conversation.  If you don't talk, the therapist won't either. And as long as we're talking about conversation, if you do feel the need to have one, please keep all secret, personal information to yourself.  For instance, I really don't need to know about how your husband slept with three different women in one week and got two of them pregnant and now you're raising both of those children at your house.  Remember I am a massage therapist, not a therapist to the crazies.

5.  Don't unplug the therapist's fan.  I don't care how cold it seems in the room, the therapist has the fan on for a reason and will make sure you're comfortable despite the temperature in the room.  Personally, I keep my fan on so I don't drip sweat on your back.  And also so you can't hear the noise outside the room.  And also so you don't feel like you're stuck in a massage room hot boxed with fake nail chemicals.

6.  The more clothes you're willing to take off, the better the massage will be.  If you insist on keeping your bra on, it's hard to massage your complete back.  And are you really going to keep your socks on?  REALLY??

7.  Don't worry, the therapist will not judge your cellulite.  I'm not sure I've ever massaged a woman who didn't have cellulite - and I've massaged those ranging from 98 pounds to over 400 pounds.  And as long as we're talking about your body, let me just say that body parts don't surprise therapists or gross us out.  Do you know how many times a day we see naked bums or get flashed when people turn over before we've got the sheets secure?  It's not a big deal.  That being said, be assured that every effort is made to keep you as covered as possible.  Believe me, if we don't want to see it if we don't have to.


Oh, and this has nothing to do with massage, but to the lesbian love couple making out and fondling one another by the Subway dumpster while I was eating lunch, I have one thing to say, "SERIOUSLY??"  I mean, it's not like you didn't see me sitting there. We'd exchanged pleasantries not twenty seconds earlier, wherein I smartly keep my comments about your Mohawk to myself.  I'm all for you getting some love, really, I am, but could you save it for home?  Or your car?  Or like, the other side of the dumpster where I can't see you?  Thanks a mil.