E to the R-I-N

I know that most of you are privy to my newest decision to make it big by starting my rap career. 

I was contemplating becoming a professional tennis player until I remembered that I might have a small problem with hand-eye coordination and therefore, am unable to hit a tennis ball. 

That and the fact that Venus Williams scares the be-jesus out of me - if I had to face her, hulking at me over the net, I think I would pee my pants.

Although, I'm not going to lie when I say that I would look extra-super cute in a tennis outfit.

Can I get paid for that??

Anyway, back to my point.

RAP CAREER.

There were five things that helped me make my decision:

1.  You don't really have to have any special talent to be a rapper.  Like you don't even have to be able to sing.  Just talk a lot really fast to a beat.  And if anyone can talk a lot really fast, it's totally me.

2.  Queen Latifah, on her latest tour, is searching for the newest female rap talent in the area where she holds her shows to open her shows.  You send an audition tape to her handlers and they make the decision.  She'll be in Houston in February.

3.  As far as I'm aware, there are no super-awesome, white, female rappers.  I would totally be an anomaly.  Or an enigma.  Is enigma a noun?  I'm going to use it as one whether it is or not.

4.  My rap name is awesome.  Let me say that again.  AWESOME.  Let's hear it for E to the R-I-N!

5.  There's an ad on the radio for the local beat lab.  They say they're "always looking for new rap talent".  All you have to do is bring your own audition CD of your own original rap creations.  The only drawback?  The ad specifies that the lyrics have to be "clean".  I thought that would really mess with my intention to drop the f-bomb every third word until I realized how many different words I could use.  Like cluck.  Or duck.  Or truck.  That right there is innovation, my friends.


I don't have any full songs written, but I've decided that once my creative juices start flowing, all of my songs are going to include the phrase, "word to your mother".

I know it's kind of late 80's/early 90's and kind of Vanilla Ice-esque, but that doesn't make it any less outstanding.

Of course, I don't really know what "word to your mother" means.

But I figure if word is going to be to anyone, it might as well be your mother.

I guess part of my career preparation will be to brush up on my rap terms.