I think I'm being punished.
For the many years I've been looking at other people's newborns and thinking about how ugly they are.
I should have known I wouldn't get away with something so awful.
Today I took Carolyn for one last weigh-in.
Ten days of nothing but breast milk.
Ten days should equal ten ounces. Or like seven. Five?
How about one. One ounce.
I stared at the scale. There must be some mistake. Please weigh her again.
One ounce.
So ten days of bleeding nipples, fixing incorrect latches, the inability to hold my colicky, writhing, baby next to my chest because of nipple pain, powering through, adding extra feedings to up my milk supply, pumping, dreading every time she wants to wake up to eat, watching her spit up pink milk because of the blood she was getting along with it, several calls to the lactation specialist (and yes, even the La Leche League leader), anxiety, being completely unsure of my abilities to be a good mother because I still feel very little bond with my baby, AND ALL I GET IS ONE BLOODY OUNCE??
The doctor compared my breast milk to skim milk instead of the whole milk I should be producing. Apparently lots of women have this problem. And there's not much that can be done to fix it.
Two options: either go 50/50 with breast milk and formula which the doctor says would be OK, or give her 100% formula so I'd at least know she was getting what she needs. And maybe, if I didn't dread feeding her, I could actually see her as something other than certain pain.
I told her just to tell me what to do. She wouldn't.
All I feel is guilt. Guilt for feeling the way I do. Guilt for my body not producing. Guilt for not being totally and completely in love with my baby. Guilt for even thinking about giving up on breast feeding. Guilt for wanting to. Guilt for not wanting to hurt anymore - for selfishness.
And, I'm scared to death that other people will judge me an unfit mother. I mean, my only three jobs as a mother right now are to nourish my baby, comfort her, and provide love. I'm apparently failing at all three as she's not gaining weight and still cries uncontrollably for at least three hours every day.
I keep trying to remember that standing before the judgement bar at the last day, one of the questions probably won't be, "Did you successfully breastfeed your children?", but rather, "Did you do your very best to be a good mother?"
I cried all the way home. Because nothing, and I mean nothing, is going the way I had it pictured in my head.
16 comments:
I think for the 3 things you are having "problems" with 2 could really be combined into one then :-) the nourish and comfort...maybe if you just switched to formula mainly and then nursed just a little she would get full and be happy too...also then you wouldn't really be giving up now would you? Switch it around from what they usually say....formula THEN nurse. see if that works better. Also keep her upright for about 20 to 30 min after eating and she won't spit or throw up so much...good luck...It was really frustrating for me too!!! I spent oh so many nights crying because I just couldn't give her all the nutrition she needed. Just remember one thing...a happy and calm mother equals a MUCH happier baby!
Oh Erin I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know the guilt you are feeling. I had such a hard time when I lost my milk with Brayden. He was only 5 weeks and I felt so bad. I thought I could have done things differently, I should have done this I should have done that. But it was gone and I felt awful. I had a lot of people tell me that it was okay and my baby would be okay but I just felt I wasn't giving him a fair shot. What if he is going to be my sick kid? What if he isn't smart? I have a ton more of them but in the end I couldn't do anything. I thought my pediatrician might be upset or mad but all she said was be thankful they make formula as close to breast milk as they can. He will be fine and you need to stop stressing out about it. I also had a friend tell me that when that baby is 28 years old nobody will ask if he/she was breastfeed! It just wont matter. Carolyn will be okay whatever you choose. I know that when he went on formula 100% he didn't spit up as much and he seemed to be a happier not as hungry baby. Good luck in your decision. I know you will do what is best for both you and that baby. If you need anything please let me know.
Erin, I'm so sorry! Don't feel judged. Recognize this is your journey, and no one elses. Once that baby starts getting enough to eat, and starts sleeping, thus ensbeling you to get some sleep, you'll feel differently. Your milk might be "skim" because of the constant preassure and anxiety you feel, and with just cause. Take a break, give yourself some time to heal. Continue pumping if you want and add some formula to it if you want, but you are not a bad mother for trying everything you could to make bf work! Few women would have gone to such lenghths! How nice would it be if husband could take a few feeds, especially in the middle of the night! Your whole body has been on a significant journey the last year! Give yourself a break! And don't feel like this is it. One of my good friends went through the same thing with her first, switched to formula, and her whole outlook changed. She exclusivly bottlefed her second, but with her third is exclusivly bfing. Each Baby is different, so is each experience. Erin, you've done SO good. You have reached out, ask for help, tried everything you could think of. You've done amazing! It's ok to move on. I am a huge advocate of breastfeeing, and helping women feel comfortable/able to do it, and I would give you my stamp of approval in trying formula! It's hard to feel bonded with anything that brings you that much anxiety, knowing how bad it's going to hurt everytime you feed it, always thinking about it, never feeling good enough. It's OK, I promise, the love, and the bond is there, it's just masked by this constant feeling of anxiety. Once Carolyn starts eating better, she'll sleep better, and so will you, and it'll be amazing what a little rest can do for seeing just how cute and sweet your baby really is! You're doing great! We all stumble along this journey of motherhood, it ain't easy, or for the weak of heart. Don't compare your worst with anothers best, you'll never measure up! If others judge you for doing what is best for you and your daughter they can suck it, because that's what they do is suck. You're doing it! You're a mom, and your doing great. Give Carolyn her formula, and get some sleep! :)
You're not alone! I promise you! And you're most definitely not a horrible mother because of any of this!!!
I've wanted to give up many times...powered through and I'm okay now...but I didn't have the bleeding and I don't think I could handle that...
There's absolutely nothing wrong with your baby getting formula as well! My daughter does..and I think it helps her.
Just remind yourself that even a little breast milk is helpful to her! So, maybe if you end up with ONE feeding from you and the rest formula...she's still getting antibodies from you!
You're still loving her a million times over even if you feel like you're inadequate...unfortunately those baby blues like to torment us!
*hugs* Things do get better..I promise!
Girl...I feel for you!! I felt the same way with my first baby. I think the first 6 weeks after the baby is born is the hardest part of pregnancy/labor/etc. You don't know what to expect and you have fluids coming out of every part of your NEW and unrecognizable body. It's no wonder we get the baby blues!!
Who cares if other people don't like that Carolyn is taking formula!! It is YOUR baby and you are doing what is best for her AND you!! If the mom is suffering from pain, anxiety, and no sleep, it's not worth it to breastfeed in my opinion.
I promise it gets better! Ty slept way better when I added a formula bottle at night.
And always remember, you're pretty much the best because you are a COUGAR!! Good luck! xoxo
You are an awesome mom. I know because even though you say you feel guilt for not being totally and completely in love with your baby, you are sacrificing so much for her and trying everything you can to help her. Everyone above gives great advice, so all I can say is I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I hope things calm down for you soon.
Erin, I'm so sorry. Sadly, guilt is a big part of motherhood. I feel some sort of guilt every single day and no matter how old they get, you will still be worried about something.
Embrace the guilt! It's ok. I promise.
And, trust Dr. Kayani's advice. She's a great doctor. And, she's not only your baby's doctor, but she's your doctor too. With each appointment, she's subtly training you to be a mommy. She did the same with me, without me even knowing it. (And, I called her after hours all the time - that's ok too!)
Remember, you can receive inspiration on behalf of your child. You can pray and know what's best for her. You can pray for that bond. And, you can get a blessing to heal your body and your heart during this tough time. If you need an extra set of hands, I'll send KJ over!
Why don't you let us watch Carolyn for an afternoon (Gabi's away at school now anyways!) and you can take a nap, a bubble bath, read a good book - do whatever you have to do to relax a little bit. You NEED a break!
Erin-
Karsen was a very colicky baby - for MONTHS.
The best thing we ever did was switch him to formula (soy formula actually). Once we quit trying to do "what's best" and did what's good enough and worked better, things got better.
Maybe it would help to take the emotion out of it (I know it's hard) but examine it this way:
What are you doing?
Is it working (for you, for Carolyn)?
What would make things better?
~Shanna
Ok - I'll admit it - the other comments were so long that I didn't really read them. :) Sorry. BUT...even though I am not a mother I will tell you this: my sister-in-law "powered through" with breast feeding with her first baby and hated it. Before she had twins seven weeks ago, she decided (dissenting comments from others and all) that she was going formula only. I just visited them, and the babies are happy and healthy. AND she is sane. My brother and all the rest of us can help feed, she knows how much they're eating, and formula has come a long way.
I'm not telling you what to do, but that's her experience. Take it and do with it what you will. You are amazing and NEVER a failure!
Erin, I'm actually writing before reading all the comments before mine - so I don't know what advice you've been given thus far ...
Anyways ...
Here's advice from me (for what it's worth) I tried to breast feed my first two babies - but - it never worked for me. When Aaron was born - I didn't even try with him at all! So do I feel bad about the fact I didn't breast feed my babies? Heck NO!
My milk was skim milk too ...
I'm sorry ...
It's a fact ...
Some females are like the heavy cream producing Jersey Cows ...
and ...
Some females are not.
And let me tell you something ...
that formula sure made for happier babies (way back when my babies were babies).
DO NOT feel like you're a bad mommie - I sure didn't! And the love and attachment is the same! I'm living proof of that fact (the old 53 yr old woman I am today).
My kiddo's rule my world/heart - they always have!
oh one more thought ...
my kiddo's (now 31, 29, and 27) think they had/have the best mom of all mom's of all time!
Makes me think of a poem I dearly DEARLY love - this is dedicated to those Montes kids of mine ...
I Carry Your Heart - EE Cummings
I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go my dear)
And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart).
I love all the advice given above! I think the best thing I ever did when my babies were 2 months old was to switch to bottles. I still pumped, but gave the breast milk (with formula milk mixed in) to the babes. This cut down on a lot of pain and anxiety for me. I KNEW exactly how much they were getting, I didn't have the pain of nursing, and I removed the anxiety of getting the "correct latch". I felt A LOT of guilt in trying to decide what to do. But, when I finally decided, my guilt was lessened. I felt great about still giving them breast milk (in a bottle), but the anxiety of not knowing how much they were getting was removed. (They had trouble gaining weight as well, but when I switched to this method, they started gaining). If you have enough milk, you can also ask your doctor about "fortifying" your breast milk to turn it from skim into whole. They were able to eat a bottle of milk faster than breast feeding, so this cut down on time. Also, by giving them breast milk in a bottle, my husband and any other willing person was able to help. This helped me get more sleep, which made me a much happier mom as well! We actually took "shifts" so basically one of us was sleeping while the other one fed and cared for babies. Well, I've written way too much. I'm sure you will get lots of opinions and advice, and as her mom you definitely know what is best for you and your baby! Best of luck!
Oh brother, give the baby some formula so she can be full and happy! Mix it w/ breastmilk or not - just do something that will remove so much anxiety from you. Besides, dads nowadays want to be able to help with feeding and such. Tyler always wanted me to pump so HE could feed Cam once in awhile. Do you know how many of us kids were breastfed? Like maybe one or two - and only for a few months. And we didn't even get formula, we were raised on cow milk (the horror). We are all fine. Ian had formula from the time he was 7 months on. He is healthy and sometimes too smart for his own good. The funny thing is that HE rejected ME. He was finished breastfeeding, but I still felt bad he had to drink that stinky formula, but he didn't seem to mind. It was his choice. Gotta go take the kids swimming - then they both better take naps. They are sooooooooooo grumpy today.
Here's my saying to those that judge..'MYOB! Mind your own boobies!' None of their business...you do whatcha gotta do, and be happy that there are options out there for us.
I couldn't breast feed due to massive fibroid cysts and blocked ducts. It wasn't going to happen.
I hope it helps her tummy situation and helps you relax...
Nestle Good Start was our saving grace...it didn't reek as bad as the others...good luck!
my sweets! i wish that i were there to hug you! you are one of the most amazing and strong women that i know! what a blessed little baby to have you as here mama! and may i add--she is GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! just feed the little sweetie any way possible! our middle son was not a great nurser, i remember feeling like i was robbing him of something because i couldn't nurse him--but we still bonded (he also did with his daddy who fed him) and he is now a very happy 6 year old--who doesn't care one bit that he wasn't breastfed! i love you erin! cherish this time--as hard as it is--you can't get it back! every stage of motherhood is the best. try to remember this!
xoxoxo
hey
its so easy to feel guilty over stuff that you think you should be doing. take a look at all the good things you are doing... this is my present motto to help me when I am tried of being rejected with job applications. sometimes it works sometimes not. but reading another blog says that it is good to have these feelings as it shows you still care are not pysco. so even tho you don't feel that bond it is obviously there... good luck and keep at it.x
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