Husband and I spent today learning how to give birth.
There are apparently three stages of labor - the kind where you are in labor but they won't let you in the hospital yet, the kind where you hurt like hell but they've already got you hooked up to all the machines so you can't get up and move, and the kind where you have to pull your knees like clear up over your head and bear down.
Or, in Erin terms, the kind where they won't give you drugs yet, the kind where they give you pain meds to take the edge off, and the kind where you get an epidural.
Yeah, buddy.
I'm going to have to say Husband and I were easily some of the calmest people in the room when the actual birthing video was on and Deborah (I think we're on a first name basis because I've pretty much seen every single bit Deborah has to offer) was giving birth. I know! Me! The calm one!
I mean, not that I wasn't sweating profusely. On my hands. And my armpits. And my feet. But I totally didn't faint.
Plus, how can you faint when the baby's crowning and Husband turns to you and says, "Hey! It looks like that lady's got Buckwheat in a headlock!"
I just have a few suggestions that would make the class better:
1. All women in attendance should get a free pair of pregnancy overalls. Because all of the women in the birthing video were wearing them and I wanted some, too. Pregnancy overalls would make my labor less difficult, I'm sure of it.
2. All white-trash-redneck husbands in attendance should be miced up at all times.
3. We should be allowed to gawk openly at the girl who introduced the boy with her merely as her "baby daddy".
4. During the birthing video, instead of all the huffing and puffing, squealing and grunting, talking and crying, they should dub in AC/DC's Highway to Hell.
5. They might want to consider showing the birthing video to all high school kids enrolled in health class. Because I'll tell you what, after seeing that, teenage pregnancies would decrease by at least half.
7 comments:
These all seem like excellent suggestions.
Very good points. But, I've always been curious how someone tries out for and gets the part for the screaming lady in delivery. Does her OB send letters of recommendation? Does she have superb vocal chords? Or, bless her heart, was she just some poor woman heading into the hospital and was accosted by a film crew. BTW, when I went in to deliver Gabi, they asked me if some students could come view the birth for "educational" purposes. I was in so much pain I said sure. Luckily, I think Kyle was in the right frame of mind and gave them the thumbs down.
not sure what hospital you are using, but I told the nurses at Memorial Hermann I did not want any students in there and they didnt listen to me. I had several students in and out of my room.
next time I see you i will also have to tell you something else that I did not like about that hospital. it will gross you out, but its just a warning and something for you to refuse! I wish i would have known about it so i could have said absolutely not.
Did you see this video on a normal size TV? I saw the birthing video as a freshman college student at BYU---on a movie screen!! I was cured of any desire to have pre-marital relations! I was also proud of the fact that I didn't vomit when the forceps were introduced.
~Other Emily, not EmJeter
Um, did this particular video have a redneck man in the shower with his significant other holding a showerhead to her belly and singing, "She'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes?" Because that was in our video and I wanted to twist that guys balls off because there is no reason people like that should be allowed to procreate.
They warned you that you'll most likely throw up and poop all over the place during labor, too, right? :) I figured you'd want to know everything...
Heather - I won't be vomiting because I've already set it up with my doctor - Zofran in the drip, baby girl. The pooping, though, is just going to have to happen. And you know what? I already don't feel bad about it.
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