I know, I know.
Everyone's sick of the vomit stories. Believe me, I am, too.
I'm so frustrated by the whole thing I don't even know where to begin. I just want to feel good. Ok, so not even good. I would settle for fine. Or even slightly miserable.
Saturday was plain awful.
While in the middle of throwing up, I fainted. Can you call it fainting if you consciously decide which way to fall before going down (straight to the side - too far to the front and you hit your head on the bathroom counter)? I had to have Husband come over and scrape me up off the floor so I could continue to vomit in the toilet instead of on myself.
Since then, my entire body has felt disjointed. Is that even the right word? Like my nervous system is about 10 seconds behind everything else? I keep shaking. And the world is spinning. I'm pretty sure it's because of lack of food, but I can't keep anything down (except, miraculously, a Zumo sausage).
Poor Husband has had to wait on me hand and foot while I sit dumbly on the couch.
I didn't go to church. I didn't even call anyone to let them know I wouldn't be there. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go to hell. I had a dream about it last night and all I could do in the dream was cry.
I was up half the night because not only am I scared that I'm shirking my church responsibilities, I've only just now realized that after this baby is born, I'm going to have to bring it home with me. And take care of it. I'm not going to know what to do. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be sore.
I'm riddled with anxiety.
I'm trying to "positive think" my way out of it. It's not working.
Give me strength. And please forgive me for switching between past and present tense for this entire post.
7 comments:
Oh Erin, I am so very sorry that you're having such an awful time. Believe it or not, it's all worth it once you get to hold that cute little baby, bobble head and all :) If there is anything at all I can do please just ask. I'm not just saying that to be polite, I mean it!
I always wondered how I'd feel the day motherhood kept me from church, until one of my cousins posted something to that effect on our family website. My Grandma, a woman admired by many many people, confessed to having missed NINE months of church due to never-ending cycles of sick children during her "mothering" days. Everyone thought she'd gone inactive, but in reality, the health of her children (and herself!) became a priority. So no worries...God understands =}
Oh, wow, that sounds terrible. I'm pretty sure Jesus understands.
I'm so sorry. That's sounds miserable. If I were you, I'd spend my anxiety on how to keep myself out of the hospital instead of how to get to church. Just do what you have to, to get your baby here healthy. Motherhood is a higher calling than sunbeam teacher. Besides, after the baby comes, you will actually go to church, and not hear a word anyone says.....for like a year and a half.
At about half way through pregnancy with Ty, I was riddled with anxiety too. I was scared that I wouldn't like him and I would be annoyed with him. So don't worry, it goes away!! As far as church goes, don't even get me started. Everyone always brings their sick selves...I think our ward thinks we're inactive since I quit going at month 8 of this pregnancy. :)
Erin I should totally email you with all my comments so that everyone doesn't think I am terrible but I don't have your email. The first baby is hard. I will be honest with you. I cry for the first month wondering what the HELL I was going to do with this child. I was scared and thought I have no clue how to do this or what I am doing. At times I didn't even like my child (sounds bad but true). It goes away and things get better. I promise. I remember my pediatrician saying give it 2 months and it will seem like normal and you wont remember what you did before you where a mom. I didn't believe her but it was totally true. My whole pregnancy I was scared to DEATH to have a child, but I think that is totally normal. Cry, cry lots and let your husband know what you are going through because they don't get it much and their lives pretty much stay the same just with a little less sleep and a baby to hold that is theirs and less money, but they continue their jobs and do what they normally did. You are the one that will be doing the changing of your life but it will be okay and trust me when I say that you will make an EXCELLENT mother. That little girl is going to love you and teach you and help you and make you a better person (if that is possible because you are pretty great already). Don't worry about church, the Lord and your primary people understand!
Hang in there, Erin. And, there's nothing wrong with settling your stomach with a Zumos sausage.
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