Carolyn's Day

Today is Carolyn's Day.  It's been twelve years since she got to go to Heaven and I had to stay here.  March 5th used to make me sad and I would cry.  Now that dad's in Heaven, too, it makes me angry.  I bet they're having fun.  You know how much I hate to be left out of anything fun.

But angry or not, I sure do miss her.  I think about how different my life would have been had she stayed with me. 

I think about all of the things we did together when we were younger. 

Like when I missed like 80 days of first grade because I wanted to stay home and play with her.

Or when we used to get in trouble everyday for building forts out of mom's brand new couch cushions.

Or when we used to drive mom crazy by roller skating in circles around the kitchen yelling, "BUCK, BUCK NUMBER 1!"  I still have no idea what that means.

Or when we would fight like cats and dogs and mom would put us on the bench until we said we were sorry.  I always said I was sorry within five seconds, even if I didn't mean it.  There was no way I was sitting there longer than necessary.  Carolyn would sit there until she fell asleep because she wasn't going to say anything she wasn't ready to say.

Or when I would trick her into tickling my back before we went to bed every night by saying, "Ok, you tickle me first and then I'll tickle you."  Then I'd promptly fall asleep.

I think about our collection of scads of weird colored fingernail polish.

I think about how her voice sounded.  It's getting harder and harder to remember.

Sometimes, when I'm having a really hard time, she appears in my dreams.  I've been seeing her a lot lately.

I have a cross stitch that my friend, Emily did for me right after she died.  It's the third verse of, Each Life That Touches Ours For Good:

When such a friend from us departs,

We hold forever in our hearts,

A sweet and hallowed memory,

Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

I can't hear that song and not cry.