The Awesomest Things I Saw/Heard Last Week

On a bumper sticker:

Jesus has my heart but whiskey has my liver.


A country song:

I may not be a ten, but I sure (pronounced "shore") do clean up nice (pronounced "nase").


A mother (in her best mom voice) while walking into church and seeing her seven-year-old hit his sister with his bible:

Don't use your scriptures as a weapon of destruction! That's horrible!