So Vain

I am perhaps the most vain person I know. Well, I guess that's technically a lie because I know some pretty vain people, but I'm trying to make a point.

I love to have pretty, pretty hair. I love to get my nails done. I love makeup (although I have to admit that I hardly ever wear it because I don't really know how to put it on without looking like a circus clown). And most of all, I LOVE to be tan.

All my life, I've been a sun girl. I love to be in the sun, love to lay in the sun, love to play in the sun. When I lived in Utah, I frequented the tanning salon right next to work since they gave me a screamin' deal. I loved to lay in the nice, warm beds in the middle of the winter. Plus, there was a super fun side-benefit: I got tan.

Being tan makes me feel skinner, prettier, and healthier (so funny, right?).

But, being that I have grown a little bit older and more mature (ok, so not really, but it sounds good, right), I've noticed that all of my sun/UV ray exposure has left me freckled and wrinkled. Since I've made this realization, I've been searching for the perfect home tanner...no nasty cancer side effects.

I've tried some different things that have worked well, but I have not been completely satisfied. This weekend, while standing in line at the grocery store, I was seduced by a display of tanning products all the while thinking, "I really probably shouldn't buy tanning products that have been strategically placed by the register at the grocery store."

Going completely against instinct, I brought the tanner home, stripped down, and sprayed it all over my body.

The next morning, I woke up to inspect my new, pretty tan. Instead what I got was something quite different.

I look like I have a disease. Unbeknownst to me, the tanner ran down the back of my legs, causing not only streaks, but clear runs. Those runs pooled on my ankles and they turned a lovely shade of darker brown. The tops of my feet are speckled. I have a massive run down the back of one of my arms. My whole backside is a mass of circles of tan and circles of white where the spray didn't quite make it.

I spent all day yesterday at church trying to hide my feet under my skirt and all day today with my feet tucked under my chair. I feel like an idiot. People are going to think that I don't wash properly.