Saturday, February 09, 2019

On Facebook - April 2018

The Kid just got her dance recital costume that includes a “sports bra” and this, “I just can’t wear this bra! It’s so I comfortable!” #WelcomeToBeingAGirl #EverydayForTheRestOfYourLife

Today at church, a new lady was called as the Relief Society (the ladies class) pianist. The Tater, who literally never listens to anything said in sacrament meeting, sits straight up in his chair and says, rather loudly, “The Relief Society penis?” #NailedIt #EverythingIsNotAboutManJunkSon

The Tater runs into my room this morning and yells, "Mama! Get your feet into the kitchen so we can dance and shake it!" #KitchenDanceParty#HeReallyWantsMeToShakeHim #FiftyPoundsOfLove

Sometimes, what your heart needs is a very emotional, sensational lip syncing to This is the Night by Clay Aiken. Followed immediately by Slave 4U by Brittany Spears.  #Classics #ICanAlsoKaraokeBoth#ForEVERYONESEnjoyment

Throwing in a few of my best dance moves between super sets at the gym this morning and this from The Tater, “I told you to stop moving like that! You have to one, two, three, strong with your exercises!” #PersonalTrainer#OneTwoThreeStrong #SlaveDriver #NoFunForYou

Today I bought some decorative stones at Dollar General. My kids just repackaged them and attempted to sell them to me for ONLY $1 each. #10000PercentMarkup #MomWeHaveSoManyLovelyChoicesForYou

The Tater: I need a drink.
Me: It’s l gone, dude.
The Tater: Ugh! Why is this happening to me?
Me: It’s not happening to YOU. It’s MY drink.
The Tater: But we must always share with little boys.
#WellPlayed


Another of my weirdnesses: I despise sweating when I'm not in proper clothes to do so. This is especially true of me in southeast Texas where you sweat and NEVER dry. And so, with today being the first 80 degree day of the year, I hereby announce that it's Swimsuit All Day Every Day season. You think I'm kidding, but if you don't want to see me in my swimming suit, don't come over.  #ImNotKidding #BreakOutTheTankini#ItWouldBeABikiniButIForgotToGetSkinny #ForTheTwentiethYearInARow

I sent The Tater to his room this morning for yelling at me, informing him that that is NOT the way we talk to our mothers, and that he could come back when he could be nice. He quickly apologized, "Mama, I'm sorry I was mean to you. I'm sorry that sometimes I snap."  #ArentWeAll #SorryISnapped#KindOfLikeASerialKiller

I’ve been a massage therapist for a little over eight years. In that time, nearly every, single patient has asked me how often I suggest getting a massage and then they laugh hysterically at my reply like it’s a punchline. Today, for the very first time, I told a patient what I thought and she immediately made the appointment for the suggested amount of time without batting an eye. I’m not going to lie, it made me feel like a champion. Y’all, massage is more than something you get when you want to feel pampered. With the right therapist, it is a legit medical service - not only can it help with muscular pain, it is also proven to lower blood pressure as well as blood sugar. It has also been shown to combat anxiety, depression, and fibromyalgia. People shell out hundreds of dollars a month for medications for these conditions but then balk at paying a pittance of that for a massage! As a bonus, unlike medications, massage doesn’t have negative side effects!!And now I’ll get off my soap box.

The Tater: Daddy just gave me some chicken!
Me: Really.
The Tater: Yeah, he really loves me!
#FriedChickenLove #HaveALegSon


The Tater just bit into a peanut M&M and shouted, “Look, this candy has a seed! Let’s plant it so we can grow some more!” #MAndMPlant#WeAreGoingToBeRich

The Tater ran into the bathroom this morning as I was using my blow dryer and yelled, “Mama! Can I please touch your wind machine?!”

That one time when you take your kid to Chick-Fil-A and he runs in and out of the play place with what appears to be an endless supply of chicken nuggets and you’re wondering where on earth he’s getting them. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you catch him pilfering from the table right behind you. #FoodAndNoPeopleAtTheTable #ThisMustBeForMe#FoodStealer

My favorite game my kids play is for them to run in from outside and slam the door in the other's face, which usually ends up to someone screaming, "LET ME IN!" as if it's the zombie apocalypse and their life depends on getting in that door. - No Mother EVER

The Tater to me just now, “Mama, you look very, very sick. You should get in bed and read your book.” #DontMindIfIDo

The Kid: Mama, these caterpillars love each other, but they’ve just broken up.
Me: That’s crazy.
The Kid: Well, mama, love usually is.


The Kid and I just completed a complicated transaction that included trading cash for her Walmart gift card and when we’d settled on the terms:

The Kid: Nice having pleasure with you!
Me: Naw, man, it’s, “Pleasure doing business with you.”
The Kid: Meh. Same same.
#YesExactlyTheSameThing

The Tater climbs up in bed with me, puts his hands on my face:
The Tater: I have something very special to tell you.
Me: What is it, dude?
The Tater: I’m just very hungry.
#SweetNothings #HesGoingToGetAllTheGirls

I'm pretty sure The Tater is a hobbit. He's eaten FIVE full meals already today and is asking what's for dinner. Nothing is for dinner. You LITERALLY just finished eating. #FirstBreakfast #SecondBreakfast #TwoLunches#ThreeDinners #SevenSnacks #HesOnlyFour #HowWillItBeInTenYears

Two things: 1. I cannot, for the life of me, choose an appropriate pot in which to make soup. Either that, or I can never make an appropriate amount of soup to actually fit in the pot I've chosen. It's a sickness. 2. I had a dream last night that I could jump really high and when I started coming back down, I could sort of float down instead of slamming back into the ground and hurting my old lady knees. It was pretty magical.

At the gym, The Tater was watching me on the elliptical:
The Tater: This is impossible! I’m getting so tired!
Me: I’m the one working here.
The Tater: But I’m watching you and I am so tired!
#MeTooDude #EvenWatchingMeIsExhausting

Husband: What’s for dinner?
Me: Zucchini noodles.
Husband: Are you mad at me?
#TheyDoNotTasteLikePasta

Being a parent is just your kid “sharing” her candy with you only to hound you 37 seconds later for not eating it and continuing to hound you every 7 seconds for the next 5 minutes until you finally tell her she can have the candy back.

Watching a YouTube video on "simple hairdos for curly hair",
Girl: For this style, you're going to want to brush your curls out for the best results.
Me: That sounds like a terrible idea! But hers looks cute, so...
Narrator: It was, indeed, a terrible idea.
#ThatLadyFlatOutLied
#CouldMyHairBeAnyBigger #ILookLikeADementedLion

When you have to borrow your seven-year-old's makeup brushes because you don't actually own any.  #WinningAtAdulting #WinningAtBeingPretty

The Kid is currently making her Christmas list. There are seventeen items on said list. It’s April 6th.

That one time when you’re in the middle of a 90 minute deep tissue massage and your body is all like, “Now is an excellent time to cough up a lung.” #Awesome #ExcuseMeAsICoughForFifteenMinutes #ForTheLove

My brother-in-law was forced to put down my mother's (very) old, (very) fat cat this last week. This cat (Calvin) spent the majority of her time on earth eating and actively hating all of my mother's grandchildren. The Kid saw her maybe a total of five times in her entire life and in at least two of these encounters, came away with massive scratches on the palms of her hands. Nevertheless, upon receiving the news that Calvin is with us no longer, she burst into tears and said, "I just don't think I can go to school tomorrow because people might talk about animals and it will make me sad! Do you think Jesus will come soon so I can be with Calvin again?!"

Sitting outside the gym drinking a Dr Pepper and eating a Twix is much like what it would be like to sit outside the police department dealing drugs. #CriminalBehavior #YeahThatsRight #ThisAintNoProteinBar

The Tater: Come on, come play with me!
The Kid: No.
The Tater: Did you just say no? I don’t like to hear that! I want to hear, “Yes, sir!”

I’ve been sick since Friday. This morning, after a particularly heinous coughing fit, The Tater snuggles up to me, puts his hand on my cheek, stares deep into my eyes and says, “Mama, you sound like a pig.” 🐷 🐖 


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