On Facebook - May 2018

The Tater: Look! I see the Walmart!
Me: Yup, there it is.
The Tater: Ok, get me out of this car so we can do this thing!

You know, working with teachers at the end of school is almost euphoric. You can’t help but be caught up in their excitement. It doesn’t hurt anything when ALL OF THEM praise their fellow staff members and principal. Here’s to you, Lumberton Middle School! And here’s to my incomparable coworker, Michelle Lyons Lmt, partner in middle school massage crime!

If you’re looking for an outstanding arm/back workout, might I suggest shoveling mud in 90 degree (497% humidity) weather in east Texas? Even better, if you come over (must provide your own shovel), I won’t even charge you to workout with me! #FreeCrossfitWorkout #YoureWelcome#FunctionalFitness #NoButSeriouslyComeOverAndBringYourShovel#AlsoBringMeADrPepper

Me: Why are you so handsome?
The Tater: Because Nicholas is my daddy!
#GotThatRight #ItsInTheGenes

Me: Straight to bed!
The Tater: But we gotta read our scriptures.
Me: It’s too late, dude, we missed that time.
The Tater: But you have your scriptures just right on your phone in your hand!
#WhenYourKidSchoolsYou #ButMama #YouHaveThemRightInYourHand#MyBadDude

Current situation: covered in dirt and sweat and my “helper” has disappeared into the house yet again because helping me is “too hot and too hard”.

It makes me so mad when I’m not strong enough to do things by myself. Like, who put this bolt on here? Thor? #ItCantBeThatHard #ForTheLove#ImJustATinyLittleGirl #OrMaybeNotSoTiny

The Tater: I don't want you to call me Tater anymore.
Me: What should I call you instead?
The Tater: I want you to call me Mr. Nakey.
#Naturally #AndYouCanCallMeLadyEdithVonSassyBritches

The Kid comes running in from the bus with a handful of coins:

The Kid: Look what my friend gave me!
The Tater: You gotta share with me. My friends are all poor.

#JoinTheCrowd #OurFriendsNeedToStepItUp

Using a shop vac to suck putrid water out of the bottom of the swimming pool is maybe not the most fun I've ever had. #NotMyIdeaOfFun#ButItWasOnly147Gallons #AndItOnlyTookTwelveYearsSoItsFine

After nearly three hours in the mid-day sun repairing our pool liner, we’ve learned the following: 1. Humidity sucks. 2. Both Husband and I are better suited to Alaskan weather. 3. My husband is the greatest. 4. We might actually work well enough together to go on The Amazing Race. 5. Sunburns despite three applications of sunscreen are totally possible. 6. I’m pretty amazing with power tools.

Just received a foot massage after which payment was immediately required. The Kid started digging and said, “Mama, I can’t find a $1 bill, so is it ok if I just keep this $20?” #UmNo #900PercentTip

When your neighbors let you borrow their zero-turn mower and it’s pretty much the best day of your life. #TurnsOnADime #KillingIt#DidYouSeeMyLawn #MowsInHalfTheTime #AndIOnlyHitOneTelephonePole

The Tater calls our hose a “water rope”. I hope he never learns the real name.

Today’s amazing thing: I’ve been unable to press any kind of weight off my chest or over my head since an injury last October. Yesterday, the new chiropractor at the office adjusted both shoulders just because he felt like it. This morning, I was able to press both directions (still light weight) WITHOUT pain. #DrPaulForTheWin #Legit #SevenMonthsOfPainJustGone

The Kid: Do you know why I love pizza?
Me: Why?
The Kid: Because it goes so well with bread sticks.
#CarbLoading #BreadGoesReallyWellWithBread#MainDishBreadSideDishBread

The Tater has basically been saying the same prayer over and over for the last two years. For lunch time prayer today he said, “I’m done with that old prayer about eggs and cars. Can you teach me how to pray a new one?” #ImGoingToMissHimPrayingAboutEggs #ThisBoyHasMyHeart#TeachMeToWalkInTheLight

Listening to my kids talking to each other last night:

The Tater: I’m a champion!
The Kid: No, I’m sorry, you can’t be a champion. Champions don’t use potty words and you do.
The Tater: I don’t put words in the potty. I put pee in the potty.
#NoWordsInThePotty #IKnowWhatThePottyIsFor#ChampionsDontUsePottyWords

The Tater asked for orange juice for breakfast this morning and I told him we didn't have any. Fast forward 37 seconds to when he comes running into my bedroom with a cutie orange and a straw.  #FixedThatProblem#BAMOrangeJuice #HeShowedMe

Headed to The Walmart today and before going in, I vocally went over the list so I’d be sure not to miss anything. It included candy and rubber boots for the kids. Upon entrance, I turned to The Tater and asked if he remembered what we needed to which he enthusiastically yelled, “M&Ms AND RUBBERS!” #NailedIt #WinningAtParenthood#WhatAreYouGigglingAtWalmartGreeter #TooMuchBritishYouTube

Me: Put your shoes on, please.
The Tater: Where are we going?
Me: Mama’s gotta go to work.
The Tater: Oh, are we going to go stand on the street?
#StreetWalker #RedLightDistrict #HowYouDoingBaby #PrettyWoman#TakingMyThighHighBlackBoots #WorkItBabyWorkIt

Day Four, Pink Eye Saga: The Kid comes into my bathroom this morning and says, “Mama, I still have pink eye. And beside, I have hiccups. I don’t think I should go to school today.” #YoureFine #GetDressed #YoureGoing#PlayingOpposom #SomeoneHadTooMuchFunBeingSick

This morning, The Kid sees the bus pull up, runs outside in her undies and starts yelling, “I don’t have to go to school today! I’m too sick to go!” In other news, The Tater has just buried a dog treat in the flower bed in hopes a new dog will grow from it. #SickDay #SoSickSheCanOnlyScreamAtTheBus#MamaLookItsADogSeed #LetsPlantItAndSee

Day Three, Pink Eye Saga: The devil invented eye drops for children. Yesterday, I was trying to be all Mary Poppins about it. Today, it was straight up Andre The Giant vs. The Hulk. Me being The Hulk. Naturally. #OpenYourEye #OkNowBlink #ThatIsNotBlinking #IDontCareIfYouLikeIt#YouDontHaveToWantTo #LikeWrestlingAPig

Having a hound dog in the house seriously handicaps my ability to hide and scare my kids. #SniffsMeOut #LeadsTheKidsStraightToMe#StealingMyThunder

Day 2, Pink Eye Saga: The doctor recommended hot compresses in the morning. The Kid gets the warm towel on her face and, “Oh, this is so relaxing! It would be even better with a foot massage, so why don’t you give me one?” #MilkingIt #SpoiledMuch

Just when you think I'm done on my soap box: Today, I did a whole boat load of 10 minute massages. Out of those, 50% reported having tension headaches 4 times a week. Twenty-five percent reported having tension headaches every, single day. ALL OF THEM were younger than 40-years-old. YOU. GUYS. If this is you, IT IS NOT NORMAL. You don't have to live with headaches. Please, please, please, for the love of all that's holy, find yourself a good massage therapist (happens I know a few). Make a plan. Stick to it. You won't regret it.

End rant.

When you find out your kid has pink eye and she spends every waking moment telling you she can’t touch anything “because she has pink eye” and then proceeds to touch all the things anyway. #LooksLikeSheTotallyGotTheMessage #CloroxWipesAreMyFriend#IfIGetPinkEyeIWillSellHer

The Kid: Can I have some ice cream?
Me: No, dude, it's 9:30 in the morning.
The Kid: But mama, I'm so sick and I might die and don't you want me to die happy?
#ExcellentArgument #IceCreamYouShallHave

The Kid: Why do I have to have allergies?
Me: The problem is that we don't know what you're allergic to.
The Kid: Well, I had to do chores yesterday and then today, BAM, my eyes are swollen shut, so I'm probably allergic to working!
#ChildLogic #ImAlsoAllergicToWork

When your kid wakes up with BOTH eyes swollen shut and you should probably show some kind of empathy or compassion, but instead, you just laugh hysterically and make fun of her because I don't care who you are, it's funny.  #MotherOfTheYear #BenadrylCocktail #IMakeFunOfMyKids#ItBringsMeJoy

The Tater: We have so many plants!
Me: Yes, we do!
The Tater: But we need some more!
#ThatsMyBoy #GoodIdea #TheresNoSuchThingAsTooManyPlants

Brag time: The Kid came home two weeks ago with the news that she needed 50 AR points to be able to attend a game day (I missed the AR memo...or more likely, I saw it and forgot about it) and she was a whopping 30 points short. Since she’d only managed to amass twenty points in the first eight months of school, I didn’t think there was any way she’d be able to do it in a week and I straight up told her so - you know, get her ready to be disappointed and all that jazz (#MotherOfTheYear). Well...she proved me wrong. She read and read and read and her incomparable teacher, Mrs. Shofner allowed her time to take the tests and guess what? She did it. All on her own. Without me nagging. #TheThingsThatMotivateThisKid

The Kid just got out of the bath and ran into my room, “Mama! Amazing news! I’m half blue whale and I know that because I just tooted underwater and it sounded like I was calling to my pod!” 🐳 🐋 #ThatIsGoodNews#UnderWaterGas #ForgetDNATesting #WeAlreadyKnowWeAreHalfWhale

Doing some more gym dancing today when The Tater runs up to me and says, “Mama! You’re not even doing your job. Stop dancing and pick up that heavy thing.” #ImLeavingHimHomeNextTime #JoyStealer

On Facebook - April 2018

The Kid just got her dance recital costume that includes a “sports bra” and this, “I just can’t wear this bra! It’s so I comfortable!” #WelcomeToBeingAGirl #EverydayForTheRestOfYourLife

Today at church, a new lady was called as the Relief Society (the ladies class) pianist. The Tater, who literally never listens to anything said in sacrament meeting, sits straight up in his chair and says, rather loudly, “The Relief Society penis?” #NailedIt #EverythingIsNotAboutManJunkSon

The Tater runs into my room this morning and yells, "Mama! Get your feet into the kitchen so we can dance and shake it!" #KitchenDanceParty#HeReallyWantsMeToShakeHim #FiftyPoundsOfLove

Sometimes, what your heart needs is a very emotional, sensational lip syncing to This is the Night by Clay Aiken. Followed immediately by Slave 4U by Brittany Spears.  #Classics #ICanAlsoKaraokeBoth#ForEVERYONESEnjoyment

Throwing in a few of my best dance moves between super sets at the gym this morning and this from The Tater, “I told you to stop moving like that! You have to one, two, three, strong with your exercises!” #PersonalTrainer#OneTwoThreeStrong #SlaveDriver #NoFunForYou

Today I bought some decorative stones at Dollar General. My kids just repackaged them and attempted to sell them to me for ONLY $1 each. #10000PercentMarkup #MomWeHaveSoManyLovelyChoicesForYou

The Tater: I need a drink.
Me: It’s l gone, dude.
The Tater: Ugh! Why is this happening to me?
Me: It’s not happening to YOU. It’s MY drink.
The Tater: But we must always share with little boys.
#WellPlayed

Another of my weirdnesses: I despise sweating when I'm not in proper clothes to do so. This is especially true of me in southeast Texas where you sweat and NEVER dry. And so, with today being the first 80 degree day of the year, I hereby announce that it's Swimsuit All Day Every Day season. You think I'm kidding, but if you don't want to see me in my swimming suit, don't come over.  #ImNotKidding #BreakOutTheTankini#ItWouldBeABikiniButIForgotToGetSkinny #ForTheTwentiethYearInARow

I sent The Tater to his room this morning for yelling at me, informing him that that is NOT the way we talk to our mothers, and that he could come back when he could be nice. He quickly apologized, "Mama, I'm sorry I was mean to you. I'm sorry that sometimes I snap."  #ArentWeAll #SorryISnapped#KindOfLikeASerialKiller

I’ve been a massage therapist for a little over eight years. In that time, nearly every, single patient has asked me how often I suggest getting a massage and then they laugh hysterically at my reply like it’s a punchline. Today, for the very first time, I told a patient what I thought and she immediately made the appointment for the suggested amount of time without batting an eye. I’m not going to lie, it made me feel like a champion. Y’all, massage is more than something you get when you want to feel pampered. With the right therapist, it is a legit medical service - not only can it help with muscular pain, it is also proven to lower blood pressure as well as blood sugar. It has also been shown to combat anxiety, depression, and fibromyalgia. People shell out hundreds of dollars a month for medications for these conditions but then balk at paying a pittance of that for a massage! As a bonus, unlike medications, massage doesn’t have negative side effects!!And now I’ll get off my soap box.

The Tater: Daddy just gave me some chicken!
Me: Really.
The Tater: Yeah, he really loves me!
#FriedChickenLove #HaveALegSon

The Tater just bit into a peanut M&M and shouted, “Look, this candy has a seed! Let’s plant it so we can grow some more!” #MAndMPlant#WeAreGoingToBeRich

The Tater ran into the bathroom this morning as I was using my blow dryer and yelled, “Mama! Can I please touch your wind machine?!”

That one time when you take your kid to Chick-Fil-A and he runs in and out of the play place with what appears to be an endless supply of chicken nuggets and you’re wondering where on earth he’s getting them. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you catch him pilfering from the table right behind you. #FoodAndNoPeopleAtTheTable #ThisMustBeForMe#FoodStealer

My favorite game my kids play is for them to run in from outside and slam the door in the other's face, which usually ends up to someone screaming, "LET ME IN!" as if it's the zombie apocalypse and their life depends on getting in that door. - No Mother EVER

The Tater to me just now, “Mama, you look very, very sick. You should get in bed and read your book.” #DontMindIfIDo

The Kid: Mama, these caterpillars love each other, but they’ve just broken up.
Me: That’s crazy.
The Kid: Well, mama, love usually is.

The Kid and I just completed a complicated transaction that included trading cash for her Walmart gift card and when we’d settled on the terms:

The Kid: Nice having pleasure with you!
Me: Naw, man, it’s, “Pleasure doing business with you.”
The Kid: Meh. Same same.
#YesExactlyTheSameThing

The Tater climbs up in bed with me, puts his hands on my face:

The Tater: I have something very special to tell you.
Me: What is it, dude?
The Tater: I’m just very hungry.
#SweetNothings #HesGoingToGetAllTheGirls

I'm pretty sure The Tater is a hobbit. He's eaten FIVE full meals already today and is asking what's for dinner. Nothing is for dinner. You LITERALLY just finished eating. #FirstBreakfast #SecondBreakfast #TwoLunches#ThreeDinners #SevenSnacks #HesOnlyFour #HowWillItBeInTenYears

Two things: 1. I cannot, for the life of me, choose an appropriate pot in which to make soup. Either that, or I can never make an appropriate amount of soup to actually fit in the pot I've chosen. It's a sickness. 2. I had a dream last night that I could jump really high and when I started coming back down, I could sort of float down instead of slamming back into the ground and hurting my old lady knees. It was pretty magical.

At the gym, The Tater was watching me on the elliptical:

The Tater: This is impossible! I’m getting so tired!
Me: I’m the one working here.
The Tater: But I’m watching you and I am so tired!
#MeTooDude #EvenWatchingMeIsExhausting

Husband: What’s for dinner?
Me: Zucchini noodles.
Husband: Are you mad at me?
#TheyDoNotTasteLikePasta

Being a parent is just your kid “sharing” her candy with you only to hound you 37 seconds later for not eating it and continuing to hound you every 7 seconds for the next 5 minutes until you finally tell her she can have the candy back.

Watching a YouTube video on "simple hairdos for curly hair",

Girl: For this style, you're going to want to brush your curls out for the best results.
Me: That sounds like a terrible idea! But hers looks cute, so...
Narrator: It was, indeed, a terrible idea.
#ThatLadyFlatOutLied
#CouldMyHairBeAnyBigger #ILookLikeADementedLion

When you have to borrow your seven-year-old's makeup brushes because you don't actually own any.  #WinningAtAdulting #WinningAtBeingPretty

The Kid is currently making her Christmas list. There are seventeen items on said list. It’s April 6th.

That one time when you’re in the middle of a 90 minute deep tissue massage and your body is all like, “Now is an excellent time to cough up a lung.” #Awesome #ExcuseMeAsICoughForFifteenMinutes #ForTheLove

My brother-in-law was forced to put down my mother's (very) old, (very) fat cat this last week. This cat (Calvin) spent the majority of her time on earth eating and actively hating all of my mother's grandchildren. The Kid saw her maybe a total of five times in her entire life and in at least two of these encounters, came away with massive scratches on the palms of her hands. Nevertheless, upon receiving the news that Calvin is with us no longer, she burst into tears and said, "I just don't think I can go to school tomorrow because people might talk about animals and it will make me sad! Do you think Jesus will come soon so I can be with Calvin again?!"

Sitting outside the gym drinking a Dr Pepper and eating a Twix is much like what it would be like to sit outside the police department dealing drugs. #CriminalBehavior #YeahThatsRight #ThisAintNoProteinBar

The Tater: Come on, come play with me!
The Kid: No.
The Tater: Did you just say no? I don’t like to hear that! I want to hear, “Yes, sir!”

I’ve been sick since Friday. This morning, after a particularly heinous coughing fit, The Tater snuggles up to me, puts his hand on my cheek, stares deep into my eyes and says, “Mama, you sound like a pig.” 🐷 🐖